to be a pioneer

I have never felt more like a pioneer than now, 

as I turn my back on my “pioneer heritage” 

as I once called it

I came from a certain stock,

centuries of faithful believers

courageous ones, 

a “peculiar people,” and proud of it

indeed I felt peculiar

and I could not bring myself to take pride in it

to take pride in such beliefs, such practices

that excluded and dismissed

that hurt so much

I have never felt more like a pioneer than now, 

choosing to walk the hard path

choosing to carry a new load

to be a courageous one

to be peculiar in the eyes of the people I love

I once sang with the others that it wasn’t about handcarts

and crossing the plains, but that

“you do have to have great courage,

faith to conquer fear,

and work with might for a cause that’s right

to be a pioneer”

I have never felt more like a pioneer than now, 

remembering all I sang, all I read, all I saw

all I felt, all I did, all I was

in the life I lived before;

to remember it all, to see the value

to feel the pain

and to choose to do things differently.

to choose to be a different person than you were, 

that is what it means to be a pioneer.