I crucified myself on a cross you made me.
you taught me to be a martyr,
though you professed to worship the father of all martyrs,
we worshipped ourselves
sang our own praises
as we described the ways we sacrificed,
laid our lives down for others to tread on
giving money when we were in debt
giving time when we hardly slept
and testifying of god’s goodness when we didn’t die
from the sheer exhaustion, the wasted effort
the sentiment “if I had I would give” -
the lord said this was enough for him
but it was not enough for the church.
unwavering loyalty,
obedience nigh unto death,
that was what the church demanded
it would take no less
if you could still walk and speak and breathe,
you could always give more
the boards of duty and pride were nailed together
a perpendicular symbol of calvary -
these were the hills we would die on.
and I, I climbed those hills willingly,
mounting calvary,
looking to the sky,
asking if there was no other way.
the silence from heaven was enough for me -
there was no other way
I drank the dregs of the bitter cup,
walked in the lord’s ways until they led me to the cross
and then I mounted it,
thrust my hands into the nails and lost my sanity
lost all life force.
My god, my god, why hast thou forsaken me?
It was one thousand and ninety-five days, not three, until I lived again
and it was not the lord who raised me -
It was I
I was there all along, when no one else was
I understood, when no one else could understand
I listened and I saw when no one else did
It was I who paid the price for me to live again
It was I who carried me to doctors, therapists, embalmers for the soul
It was I who obtained the embalming, lamotrigine in place of myrrh
It was I who rose myself from the dead, it was I who saved my soul.
And so I do not worship the father of all martyrs,
for he may have died, but he died in vain,
his sacrifice ineffectual as a tool to ease the pain,
his payment void as a means to purchase redemption.
And so after all, I took it upon myself -
I sacrificed myself and paid my own redemption.
they said of him,
he saved others, himself he cannot save.
perhaps they will say of me,
she could not save others, but herself she could save.
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